A forgotten memory

Have been trying put into text the myriad of emotions that go through my mind when I think of my mom.My mother as anyone who had known her in her past would tell that she has been a role model,our pillar of strength,the embodiment of many virtues that I had tried to shape my life on.I grew up thinking how did she have the mental strength to cope with all the adversity and life's challenges that were thrown at her right from the beginning.
Losing her own mother when she was hardly 7,robbed of her childhood and thrust with adult like responsibilities right from when she was young has molded her probably into a tough one.I grew up in a family where all the elders where were quite level headed and rational and logical...sometimes so logical that I could not afford the luxury of tantrums or childish behavior  My mom would always chide me for any truant behavior telling me that she'd rather that I went to school bravely and faced that test and scored zilch than sit at home with a non existent ailment and not face it at all.Here was a woman who has only studied up to the eighth standard,her ambitions for higher education cut short due to family responsibilities.All her life she has made many sacrifices just to ensure that our education did not suffer on any account.
Tragedy after tragedy,setbacks(financial,medical,personal) one after other would never dampen her optimism.She's always made us believe that we have it in us to cope no matter what and that this will too pass on...
She had many a thing that she has passed onto us-like for instance helping others without any anticipation of rewards...helping another human being unconditionally for the simple reason that she "could" which was the reward in itself..she used to go and visit this center for disabled people,sit with them and spend her free time with the residents..this was one of the main reasons why I turned to social work probably..she was also generous with her money and one of the lessons I learnt from her was that how much ever you try to hug money..it will never hug you back...she believed that the art lies in the giving and that good things will automatically come your way..

We always used to wonder how my mom with so little formal education knew how to survive,knew what resilience is and that she should just go on without quitting and had so many successful relationships with family and friends alike....her mental strength,physical energy and boundless enthusiasm for any new challenge has been a major influence on my own outlook toward life and problems in general....

Why I keep referring to all about my mom in the past tense is coz nearly a decade ago,my mom has been diagnosed as suffering from Alzheimer's disease..this is a dreadful disease where one's brain cells die quickly and there are significant problems with memory..a kind of progressive unlearning all of the skills,languages sets in and the person slowly reverts to a stage of a second childhood.Not the childhood we associate with tiny tots,they are not tinged with carefree happy moments....but a cursed one where one is in an adult body but all the actions are child like and no adult wants to "kiss and make up" for the childish acts/slip ups that occur.

Their brain is crowded with information which they can't link and retain long enough to connect the dots....i wished she had anything else except this..cos in this illness it robs the person of their personality leaving a stranger in its wake....

My mother is into the 12th year of her dreadful illness-she's turned 77-physically she's fitter than people half her age but mentally she's like my 2.5 year old son if not worse..at a loss in understanding where she is,who she is,who her family or friends are..she's just a shadow of her former self...no more the person we knew her to be whilst growing up

I'm living in the other side of the continent and the only tangible memories of her are what we carry in our mind..cos her brain does not afford her the luxury of clinging onto memories..
I'm unable to carry a normal conversation with her anymore without she asking me for the nth time who I'm or where I'm..the same questions will play out itself as in a loop and each time I put the phone down,I feel I'm losing her a little more...I wonder where my mom is-why is that I have a mother and yet I don't at the same time????

Research shows that dementia is hereditary-my grandfather had it,my mom has it and I think may be I'm already genetically loaded for this..but hey at least I've started to write whatever i remember now..who knows they may come in handy for me to reminisce when I might lose my marbles some day..It has been shown that keeping your brain active with memory games,chess,learning a new language,doing Sudoku's and crossword goes a long way in keeping the Alzheimer's demons away....so,go on,next time no one can blame you when you are deep into your sudoku or crossword !!!!