Saturday 15 October 2016

                               Ohhhhhh..those STEPS!!!

All my closest family and friends know how I’ve not been very fond of driving. Might be due to the fact that I learnt driving in the last few years – I don’t feel like I have the expertise or have the finer skills that come with years of driving experience. It worked out well that hubby loves to drive & I like to be in the passenger seat soaking in the views and enjoying the music during long road trips. Learning to drive after you are an adult is difficult cos there’s so much baggage, fear and anxiety of all the things that could go catastrophically wrong.
For survival reasons,  I’ve been driving around the bare minimum like picking and dropping kids, commuting to the train station and nearby places.For example – I can drive from to the train station (A), drive to my kids schools(B), shops or libraries(C) and come back home without being petrified. Simply put I can easily do A to B to C.But I have a nervous breakdown if I have to do option 2 cos changing destinations means driving through unknown routes lanes and changing lanes means mini heart attack. And if I saw a highway sign when I was driving on smaller lanes, then it would mean a full blown panic attack and seizure!!!!
(All expert drivers – you can stop reading now cos you won’t be able to empathise with what I’m saying & might even consider it silly!!).

When that highway sign looms large, I can physically feel the panic in my stomach building up, my heart racing and I would do anything to avoid going anywhere near the highway. Its funny how in all other aspects of my life –anxiety/panic is an alien concept for myself. Be it presenting before 1000’s of strangers, making decisions in split seconds under high pressure situations or going for job interviews- I’m the epitome of calm and cool- the more stressful the challenges- the better I think & deliver or solve it- in fact I love the adrenaline that comes with such situations & I thrive on dealing with it. But when it comes to lane changing and highway driving –I’m a complete mess. Many people have been unhelpful when they say things like “You don’t know what you are missing out”(as if I don’t know how 2-3 hour commutes feel like on my way to work and back in public transit),”It’s soo easy”(easy for you but not for me),”You just need to try”(as if I haven’t already)!!!

What they didn’t understand is I’ve been conditioned to fear and be scared of driving on the roads with not just one but two unnatural road accident related deaths of my family members who died very young-it’s a baggage you cannot so easily discard- the perennial fear of either killing someone else or getting killed cos of my driving plays out like a movie in my mind every time I attempt it.
One of my dear friends who understands the source of my fear(love her for not judging me for it) was equally concerned about how much travelling in public transit reduced the time I get to spend with my family during a work day.She has been relentlessly egging me on to drive on the highway for several months. She and her husband kept working on my conditioned fear, offering support & even sat with me(bravely!!)to talk me through the panic symptoms when I got on a highway with a good dose of humor. 
Change is not easy but I knew something had to change if I wanted more work-life balance.

This picture always helps me to give perspective to change things if they are not working well for me.
I knew I was now on step 3 and just had to slowly move up the steps one at a time. Hanging on to the baggage is only limiting what could be a better situation for myself. I set myself a deadline for October when I wanted to drive on the highway to work and back. I have been torturing hubby and my kids for the past several weeks making them reluctant passengers during trial runs on weekends to my new work place work trying to gain mastery over lane changing. October 3rd was the D day and I unleashed myself from decades of painful memories, fear and anxiety by driving to work and back.Can't tell you the exhilaration I felt when I parked on that day!!!


And happy to say that it is now 2 weeks of driving to work driving on the highway and instead of a 2 hour commute through multiple buses/trains/walking – now I’m reaching home within 45 minutes. And I’m thankful and ever so grateful to my family and my close friends who have been supporting me to let me get here.
I’m ALIVE and so are others so far- LOL 

I feel like I’ve gotten so much of my life back and the feeling of being on the top step is unparalleled!! So the next time you are dreading change,check where you are on the flight of  steps and take one step at a time and if you persist without giving up you will also eventually get to the top!!!
UPDATE:
Since I started driving in October - have clocked 18000 kms and I've been going places(even remote destinations) and have actually started enjoying driving.Never thought that day would come when I'd say it :)