Monday 29 May 2017

FOR BETTER OR WORSE

Marriage is not for everyone. It takes special talents, skills, strategies to stay married to another adult your entire life. As we are celebrating our 17th wedding anniversary today, 18 years of knowing each other (feels like a lifetime)- I was reflecting on how we have made it work this far without strangling each other, keep the war and conflicts to the minimum [it's always good to dream big 😉 ] and managed to keep the love, peace and all emotions going(in some type/form or way)!!

Some highlights that seem to work   
  1.    Marriage is not for the fainthearted- you need a sturdy and strong heart. For the multiple heartaches that might occur along the way- you need a solid one that will regrow itself not from stem cells/a donor heart but from repeated acts of kindness, loyalty and utter faith in the relationship.
  2.      Marriage is not for the short or far sighted people -it requires a special vision to look closely and etch in your memories all the little and big things that this person does that warms up your heart. Also to 'look away' or turn a blind eye to the kind of things that totally drives you up the wall or running for the hills. For eg: not putting things back to its rightful place, procrastinating certain 'to do' items, 'corner syndrome'(will not go into details to keep the peace I was referring to earlier).
  3.     Marriage is not for the hard of hearing -it requires special hearing skills to listen to what the other person is saying (or not saying), be present in the moment to hear their hopes, dreams(broken/intact), the ability to tune out all the unnecessary noise that comes from your partner(including snores!!) when they turn from human to an alien you don't recognise.
  4.       Marriage is not for the serious minded -you require a sense of humour (actually loads of it) for being able to laugh with each other, at times at each other or at the absurdity of it all. Sometimes being able to laugh away the multiple curve balls that life would keep throwing at you both or even catch them together as a team or to fling them far away into outer space(sometimes 'denial' helps too 😉)
  5.      Marriage is not for the people with reduced spatial abilities -it requires being able to be very close, feeling connected and yet when everyday demands of life, work, technology, parenting might wedge a gap - being able to hang onto each other (even if it's just some fingers you are clutching instead of an entire hand) and resisting the tendency to push/grow away from each other. It's also having the ability to give space to the other person to be their own self, to be valued, appreciated and validated by friends, family or others, pursue their interests or hobbies - anything that will keep the sanity and peace(see how many times I have referred to the word 'peace').
  6.     Marriage is not for those who have photographic memories - people who hang onto hurts, keep looking back in time, haul heavy emotional baggage all the time and keep scratching that wound from the past. That constant looking back would not only stop you from knowing where you are going but you'd also end with a wound that won't heal!! 'Selective memories' in marriage goes a long way acting as glue to cement that bond. (Note to hubby - I hope you don't forget what I said we would do if and when we make it to the 25th anniversary!!)
  7.   Marriage is for those who have accountability or ownership  and clear boundaries- knowing what you invested or put into that relationship, being able to take responsibility for the choices we make(good or bad), and the consequences that come with everyone of those choices or actions we have made.
  8.     Marriage is for the brave and the adventurous - for those who don't maintain check lists of to do items on the relationship menu, who can seize the moment. It is also for those who don't mind going on a crazy ride, taking small steps. It is about learning to trust the journey, even if you don't understand it at all times!
  9.     Marriage or being married is a commitment, a feeling, it's an emotion-it's both about giving and taking. As someone wisely said -"give your best to each other, not your leftovers after you've given your best to everyone else in marriage"!
  10.      Marriage is the safe space, or shelter or that rock you can crawl into when the whole world is plotting against you, when your kids turn into aliens or monsters, family members, relatives or friends behave 'unfamily' like or unfriendly. 

Such useful coping strategies come in handy to overcome 'the urge to strangle' overwhelms myself :)