Ohhhhhh..those STEPS!!!

All my closest family and friends know how I’ve not been very fond of driving. Might be due to the fact that I learnt driving in the last few years – I don’t feel like I have the expertise or have the finer skills that come with years of driving experience. It worked out well that hubby loves to drive & I like to be in the passenger seat soaking in the views and enjoying the music during long road trips. Learning to drive after you are an adult is difficult cos there’s so much baggage, fear and anxiety of all the things that could go catastrophically wrong.

For survival reasons,  I’ve been driving around the bare minimum like picking and dropping kids, commuting to the train station and nearby places.For example – I can drive from to the train station (A), drive to my kids schools(B), shops or libraries(C) and come back home without being petrified. Simply put I can easily do A to B to C.But I have a nervous breakdown if I have to do option 2 cos changing destinations means driving through unknown routes lanes and changing lanes means mini heart attack. And if I saw a highway sign when I was driving on smaller lanes, then it would mean a full blown panic attack and seizure!!!!

(All expert drivers – you can stop reading now cos you won’t be able to empathise with what I’m saying & might even consider it silly!!).

When that highway sign looms large, I can physically feel the panic in my stomach building up, my heart racing and I would do anything to avoid going anywhere near the highway. Its funny how in all other aspects of my life –anxiety/panic is an alien concept for myself. Be it presenting before 1000’s of strangers, making decisions in split seconds under high pressure situations or going for job interviews- I’m the epitome of calm and cool- the more stressful the challenges- the better I think & deliver or solve it- in fact I love the adrenaline that comes with such situations & I thrive on dealing with it. But when it comes to lane changing and highway driving –I’m a complete mess. Many people have been unhelpful when they say things like “You don’t know what you are missing out”(as if I don’t know how 2-3 hour commutes feel like on my way to work and back in public transit),”It’s soo easy”(easy for you but not for me),”You just need to try”(as if I haven’t already)!!!

What they didn’t understand is I’ve been conditioned to fear and be scared of driving on the roads with not just one but two unnatural road accident related deaths of my family members who died very young-it’s a baggage you cannot so easily discard- the perennial fear of either killing someone else or getting killed cos of my driving plays out like a movie in my mind every time I attempt it.

One of my dear friends who understands the source of my fear(love her for not judging me for it) was equally concerned about how much travelling in public transit reduced the time I get to spend with my family during a work day.She has been relentlessly egging me on to drive on the highway for several months. She and her husband kept working on my conditioned fear, offering support & even sat with me(bravely!!)to talk me through the panic symptoms when I got on a highway with a good dose of humor. 

Change is not easy but I knew something had to change if I wanted more work-life balance.

This picture always helps me to give perspective to change things if they are not working well for me.

I knew I was now on step 3 and just had to slowly move up the steps one at a time. Hanging on to the baggage is only limiting what could be a better situation for myself. I set myself a deadline for October when I wanted to drive on the highway to work and back. I have been torturing hubby and my kids for the past several weeks making them reluctant passengers during trial runs on weekends to my new work place work trying to gain mastery over lane changing. October 3^rd was the D day and I unleashed myself from decades of painful memories, fear and anxiety by driving to work and back.Can't tell you the exhilaration I felt when I parked on that day!!!

And happy to say that it is now 2 weeks of driving to work driving on the highway and instead of a 2 hour commute through multiple buses/trains/walking – now I’m reaching home within 45 minutes. And I’m thankful and ever so grateful to my family and my close friends who have been supporting me to let me get here.

I’m ALIVE and so are others so far- LOL 

I feel like I’ve gotten so much of my life back and the feeling of being on the top step is unparalleled!! So the next time you are dreading change,check where you are on the flight of  steps and take one step at a time and if you persist without giving up you will also eventually get to the top!!!
UPDATE:

Since I started driving in October - have clocked 18000 kms and I've been going places(even remote destinations) and have actually started enjoying driving.Never thought that day would come when I'd say it :)
 

YOU ARE GOING TO COLOUR WHAT AGAIN??

Well Anvita turned 11 day today. A few weeks ago - we found this 3 page letter on  our bed. A well thought out letter written by a soon to be 11 year old. Not surprising at all cos I love to write as did my mom,her father was a writer/poet(on my maternal side of the family we have a genetic predisposition for the arts,creative stuff and writing). Anvita often leaves love notes & essays at all places in the house(which I have a habit of preserving cos I think they are valuable & precious)😍

This particular note+ letter had her birthday wish list. We are quite a no nonsense family - we don't beat around the bush- we get straight to the point!!
My sensible,practical,fun loving daughter who loved sweatpants and shorts to wearing dresses,who preferred to play basketball/soccer to playing houses asking to colour her hair???
I was taken back by item no 1 on her list. 😱There was no way I was going to let my 10 year old (more like going on 20) daughter to make a choice that could cause damage to her lovely hair- not at least when she is still living under our roof!!

This list was followed by a letter of persuasion - a letter in which she had carefully listed out all her accomplishments throughout the year and justifying how she has earned it & persuading us to agree to her wish(es)!

On one hand - I'm thoroughly amused that she has an independent mind and is very clear on what she wants. Every year she tells us in advance how she wants to celebrate her birthday - for instance once she wanted to invite her friends,then another time it was a slumber party. Yet another year she wanted to explore an amusement park. She has been doing that since the time she could talk!! We let her make her choice and we do our best to honour it within our means.
This time around - it was hard to agree to what she wanted. She's a tween and I'm already dreading how teenage would look like if this is a sign of things to come. We had a choice - go outright & say NO to her unreasonable demand which as parents we believe is harmful for her hair and body. But it didn't feel right to crush her spirit,or quell her attempts at exploring,experimenting and expressing her individuality. In the very least I thought it merited a thorough conversation with her - a discussion on the pros and cons.Even though I couldn't completely convince her even with the help of Dr.Google - she seemed to appreciate the fact that I treated her as her own person,an individual who has the right to think,make choices and think about consequences and that her opinion is valuable too. I must admit my daughter has the makings of a lawyer and a master negotiator- at one point she almost convinced me as to how the tip of the hair are dead cells and that technically she wasn't causing any harm to herself and that in the worst case she could trim the hair in 6 months time and erase all signs of it if it turned out to be a mistake.

Somehow this bout I won and  managed to dissuade her from making that choice.
Each day I'm proud of the little person that she is turning into. But I/we need to accept that there might be many more such battles to come in our parenting journey and colouring her hair pink/brown might be the least of my worries then!!!
Here's to many more such letters and discussions and non violent fights/arguments(and parental wins??😜)

Happy 11th birthday sweetheart and hope all your assertiveness happens when you are facing the big bad world outside!!😜👍✋🏻
Cheers
Mom.

                                                         Anvita and her bubble tea today🍹

                                       10 BENEFITS TO HAVING KIDS

Given the way our lives are fast forwarding in this fast digital age at break neck speed - many young couples are rethinking having kids or postponing having them- I have some thoughts for you to mull over!!

In spite of what everyone warns you about that your life is complete (or finished) when you have kids - it’s not all that bad. Even though there might be some(or several) occasions that even if for  a few hours you might’ve (atleast I have many times)felt like pawning them off to your neighbors or others - for the most part-  it is an enlightening experience about who you are as a person,your fears,your anxieties,your baggage and how you lead them to be a better version of yourselves. 

Having a kid or two means you are declaring to the world that you are not completely invested in yourselves and that you are able to put the needs of another person who is smaller,younger and more vulnerable than yourself above that of your own.

Really there are real advantages to having kids-I 'kid' you not ;)

The following are insights culled from my own experience as a parent - some of which might be eye openers for you and make you think about parenting in a new light altogether(eye roll!!)

1. Kids are good couriers- they will fetch you stuff that you have kept in the top floors or other rooms that you are too lazy to get it yourselves
2. Kids are good detectives - they know the junk that you ‘ve bought and remember where exactly you stored(read:hidden) them
3. Kids are  good substitute for alarms- they would know exactly how and when to wake you on the weekend when you are trying to sleep for a little longer.A caveat -their alarm capabilities seem to decline,diminish or disappear altogether during weekdays and it's not easy waking up a child to get ready for school!!
4. Having 2 kids instead of 1 gives you the opportunity to play multiple roles of Judge,match referee,bouncer and dispenser of justice more often than you like!
5. Having kids teaches you to hone your multitasking skills and take it to a different level altogether like for instance when making phone calls and cooking and keeping an eye on the fight that is brewing between your kids before it gets bloody or violent.
6. Having kids elevates your negotiating and bargaining skills to an all time high cos they will not take ‘No’ for an answer that easily.
7. Having kids makes you wary of the words ‘WHY’ CAN’T I?’ cos of the number of times that word would crop up in your entire span of parenting career.So that in turn would lead to you improve your conversation skills by anticipating ‘trap questions’ and be prepared ahead of time with comebacks!
8. Having kids creates in you a new found respect for your parents who have done it so many more times than yourselves(in my case 7 cos my parents had 7 of us!!! -I often wonder how they stayed married or none of us ended up in prison or an asylum)
9. Kids make you realize that size is of no consequence and in fact size doesn’t matter at all when it comes to getting things accomplished(?their way).They have inbuilt radars for detecting vulnerabilities and moments of weaknesses in parents or other adults.
10. Kids are good witnesses for fights that you have with your spouse-they come in handy during the trial and prosecution!

I hope that this list is fast tracking you on your way to making babies sooner than later !!! LOL!

ONE MORE DAY

Phew –it’s been a stressful past couple of weeks/months/years- I can’t even keep track of how many. 

We as a family have seen and faced so many tragedies and have learnt many a life lessons and the learning never seems to stop.I’m at that stage in life where I wished these life lessons will stop!!!

We take nothing for granted, we count our blessings, live in the moment and grateful for even small things cos life is so short and unpredictable. We are always dealing with Plan B,C or D- never Plan A- in fact we don’t even make plan A precisely for the same reason- they go awry.

 With a series of serious health setbacks on both Ravi’s and my side of the family all happening at the same time-we couldn’t just contemplate how things could go so badly wrong and that too all at the same time!! The only way we know to cope is just ‘keep on carrying on’ one more day and focus on the things that we had control over than those we didn’t. So when Ravi had to leave for India on a family emergency, I was trying my damnedest to keep my sanity and trying to get on with work and home routines (which is not easy with 2 kids, the long travel & the schedules I keep). Last Friday-things went pear shaped when I was in the midst of packing up my office stuff for a move into another location and   I get a message from my sister in India that my mother who is in the late stages of dementia was unresponsive, had stopped breathing and they were rushing her to hospital in an ambulance. Holding it all together for so long I broke down and I wasn’t ready yet to say good bye to my mother. Somehow I got through the packing(if you consider dumping stuff into boxes as packing), made the long journey home after picking my kids and had a night of bawling and mourning the reality of what was about to happen to my mom.

We don’t have family here in Canada but I’m blessed to have very few but genuine friends who have stood by me, watch out for me (even when I try to hide from mankind when shit piles up).I was touched when intuitively they call to find out how I’m holding up in Ravi’s absence and hearing about my mom, and without missing a beat offer to take care of my kids if I had to leave for India on an emergency. One of my dear friends even dropped in home last evening just to make sure and to let me know I wasn’t alone. Can’t tell you what it means to know that you are all there to hold me when I’m falling – in spite of everything I count my blessings one more time!!

When I visited my mom in India in February this year– even though my mom didn’t know my name, what our relationship was, she recognised me immediately, smiled and responded so well with tapping her feet whenever I sang to her. That was our lingering bond – our love of music- when everything else was fading from her brain. I knew I could still reach her when I sang to her all her favorite songs from the past. I knew she felt it when I hugged her, held her tightly and stroked her face and she rewarded me with a toothless smile. That gave me joy and I was content to take whatever I could in that moment –so what if she didn’t know my name or that I was her daughter- she felt my love- that was good enough for me!!!!

But ever since my mom had a fall and a fracture a couple of weeks ago-we’ve been losing her bit by bit and it was as if she was retreating into another world and there was absolutely no response from her. She stopped eating, she was hardly breathing, her body failing her and all our interactions one sided. Every phone call, every update from my family in India – I knew this was not going well. I know Dementia in all its forms- I understand the disease in and out- this is what I do for a living – I know it’s a terminal disease but yet when I know that I’m about to lose my mom-I feel selfish when I want her to linger on. I want to know that she is physically around and I can still sing to her and hear her respond. I still want to tell her even though she might not understand- all that I’m doing to make this disease easier for the caregivers whose burden I truly understand. I want her to feel proud of my accomplishments and let her know that her very disease has been a life changing experience for all of us and I’d keep passionately fighting for making an impact in society even in the smallest way I can. I’m unable to let go of her presence in my life at this point (I know I’ll never be ready) LLL

 As I was waiting for my family to keep me posted & I was making plans to go to India, relatives were informed- I receive a call from my brother yesterday night. From not breathing, no pulse, extremely low blood pressure, and near death experience- my mom came around and started responding to treatment. It was a medical miracle of all sorts!!!

 My mother has always been a fighter and that’s what she had always taught us- to keep digging & fighting despite all odds, never giving up and even with death staring her in the face- she is fighting back. When I called this morning to speak with my brother who was in the hospital with her – he put the phone to her ear-I sang to her- sang all the songs that she used to ask me to sing whenever she was feeling low. She mumbled back and joined me and even tried to sing a few words. My brother told me she was all excited, smiling and back to tapping her feet and the oxygen mask and the tubes out of her body is not about to stop her!!!

I believe in miracles and we all just experienced one- gives me hope to carry on one more day JJJ