ONE MORE DAY
Phew –it’s been a stressful past couple of weeks/months/years- I
can’t even keep track of how many.
We as a family have seen and faced so many
tragedies and have learnt many a life lessons and the learning never seems to
stop.I’m at that stage in life where I wished these life lessons will stop!!!
We take nothing for granted, we count our blessings, live
in the moment and grateful for even small things cos life is so short and
unpredictable. We are always dealing with Plan B,C or D- never Plan A- in
fact we don’t even make plan A precisely for the same reason- they go awry.
With a series of serious
health setbacks on both Ravi’s and my side of the family all happening at the
same time-we couldn’t just contemplate how things could go so badly wrong and
that too all at the same time!! The only way we know to cope is just ‘keep on
carrying on’ one more day and focus on the things that we had control
over than those we didn’t. So when Ravi had to leave for India on a
family emergency, I was trying my damnedest to keep my sanity and trying to get
on with work and home routines (which is not easy with 2 kids, the long travel
& the schedules I keep). Last Friday-things went pear shaped when I was in the
midst of packing up my office stuff for a move into another location and I get a message from my sister in India that
my mother who is in the late stages of dementia was unresponsive, had stopped
breathing and they were rushing her to hospital in an ambulance. Holding it all
together for so long I broke down and I wasn’t ready yet to say good bye to my
mother. Somehow I got through the packing(if you consider dumping stuff into
boxes as packing), made the long journey home after picking my kids and had a
night of bawling and mourning the reality of what was about to happen to my mom.
We don’t have family here in Canada but I’m blessed to have
very few but genuine friends who have stood by me, watch out for me (even when I
try to hide from mankind when shit piles up).I was touched when intuitively
they call to find out how I’m holding up in Ravi’s absence and hearing about my
mom, and without missing a beat offer to take care of my kids if I had to leave
for India on an emergency. One of my dear friends even dropped in home last
evening just to make sure and to let me know I wasn’t alone. Can’t tell you
what it means to know that you are all there to hold me when I’m falling – in spite
of everything I count my blessings one more time!!
When I visited my mom in India in February this year– even
though my mom didn’t know my name, what our relationship was, she recognised me
immediately, smiled and responded so well with tapping her feet whenever I sang
to her. That was our lingering bond – our love of music- when everything else
was fading from her brain. I knew I could still reach her when I sang to her
all her favorite songs from the past. I knew she felt it when I hugged her, held
her tightly and stroked her face and she rewarded me with a toothless smile. That
gave me joy and I was content to take whatever I could in that moment –so
what if she didn’t know my name or that I was her daughter- she felt my love- that
was good enough for me!!!!
But ever since my mom
had a fall and a fracture a couple of weeks ago-we’ve been losing her bit by bit and
it was as if she was retreating into another world and there was absolutely no
response from her. She stopped eating, she was hardly breathing, her body
failing her and all our interactions one sided. Every phone call, every update
from my family in India – I knew this was not going well. I know Dementia in
all its forms- I understand the disease in and out- this is what I do for a
living – I know it’s a terminal disease but yet when I know that I’m about to
lose my mom-I feel selfish when I want her to linger on. I want to know that
she is physically around and I can still sing to her and hear her respond. I
still want to tell her even though she might not understand- all that I’m doing
to make this disease easier for the caregivers whose burden I truly understand.
I want her to feel proud of my accomplishments and let her know that her very disease has
been a life changing experience for all of us and I’d keep passionately fighting
for making an impact in society even in the smallest way I can. I’m unable
to let go of her presence in my life at this point (I know I’ll never be ready)
LLL
As I was waiting for
my family to keep me posted & I was making plans to go to India, relatives
were informed- I receive a call from my brother yesterday night. From not
breathing, no pulse, extremely low blood pressure, and near death experience-
my mom came around and started responding to treatment. It was a medical
miracle of all sorts!!!
My mother has
always been a fighter and that’s what she had always taught us- to keep digging
& fighting despite all odds, never giving up and even with death staring her
in the face- she is fighting back. When I called this morning to speak with my
brother who was in the hospital with her – he put the phone to her ear-I sang
to her- sang all the songs that she used to ask me to sing whenever she was
feeling low. She mumbled back and joined me and even tried to sing a few words.
My brother told me she was all excited, smiling and back to tapping her feet
and the oxygen mask and the tubes out of her body is not about to stop her!!!
I believe in miracles and we all just experienced one- gives
me hope to carry on one more day JJJ
