ONE MORE DAY

Phew –it’s been a stressful past couple of weeks/months/years- I can’t even keep track of how many. 

We as a family have seen and faced so many tragedies and have learnt many a life lessons and the learning never seems to stop.I’m at that stage in life where I wished these life lessons will stop!!!

We take nothing for granted, we count our blessings, live in the moment and grateful for even small things cos life is so short and unpredictable. We are always dealing with Plan B,C or D- never Plan A- in fact we don’t even make plan A precisely for the same reason- they go awry.

 With a series of serious health setbacks on both Ravi’s and my side of the family all happening at the same time-we couldn’t just contemplate how things could go so badly wrong and that too all at the same time!! The only way we know to cope is just ‘keep on carrying on’ one more day and focus on the things that we had control over than those we didn’t. So when Ravi had to leave for India on a family emergency, I was trying my damnedest to keep my sanity and trying to get on with work and home routines (which is not easy with 2 kids, the long travel & the schedules I keep). Last Friday-things went pear shaped when I was in the midst of packing up my office stuff for a move into another location and   I get a message from my sister in India that my mother who is in the late stages of dementia was unresponsive, had stopped breathing and they were rushing her to hospital in an ambulance. Holding it all together for so long I broke down and I wasn’t ready yet to say good bye to my mother. Somehow I got through the packing(if you consider dumping stuff into boxes as packing), made the long journey home after picking my kids and had a night of bawling and mourning the reality of what was about to happen to my mom.

We don’t have family here in Canada but I’m blessed to have very few but genuine friends who have stood by me, watch out for me (even when I try to hide from mankind when shit piles up).I was touched when intuitively they call to find out how I’m holding up in Ravi’s absence and hearing about my mom, and without missing a beat offer to take care of my kids if I had to leave for India on an emergency. One of my dear friends even dropped in home last evening just to make sure and to let me know I wasn’t alone. Can’t tell you what it means to know that you are all there to hold me when I’m falling – in spite of everything I count my blessings one more time!!

When I visited my mom in India in February this year– even though my mom didn’t know my name, what our relationship was, she recognised me immediately, smiled and responded so well with tapping her feet whenever I sang to her. That was our lingering bond – our love of music- when everything else was fading from her brain. I knew I could still reach her when I sang to her all her favorite songs from the past. I knew she felt it when I hugged her, held her tightly and stroked her face and she rewarded me with a toothless smile. That gave me joy and I was content to take whatever I could in that moment –so what if she didn’t know my name or that I was her daughter- she felt my love- that was good enough for me!!!!

But ever since my mom had a fall and a fracture a couple of weeks ago-we’ve been losing her bit by bit and it was as if she was retreating into another world and there was absolutely no response from her. She stopped eating, she was hardly breathing, her body failing her and all our interactions one sided. Every phone call, every update from my family in India – I knew this was not going well. I know Dementia in all its forms- I understand the disease in and out- this is what I do for a living – I know it’s a terminal disease but yet when I know that I’m about to lose my mom-I feel selfish when I want her to linger on. I want to know that she is physically around and I can still sing to her and hear her respond. I still want to tell her even though she might not understand- all that I’m doing to make this disease easier for the caregivers whose burden I truly understand. I want her to feel proud of my accomplishments and let her know that her very disease has been a life changing experience for all of us and I’d keep passionately fighting for making an impact in society even in the smallest way I can. I’m unable to let go of her presence in my life at this point (I know I’ll never be ready) LLL

 As I was waiting for my family to keep me posted & I was making plans to go to India, relatives were informed- I receive a call from my brother yesterday night. From not breathing, no pulse, extremely low blood pressure, and near death experience- my mom came around and started responding to treatment. It was a medical miracle of all sorts!!!

 My mother has always been a fighter and that’s what she had always taught us- to keep digging & fighting despite all odds, never giving up and even with death staring her in the face- she is fighting back. When I called this morning to speak with my brother who was in the hospital with her – he put the phone to her ear-I sang to her- sang all the songs that she used to ask me to sing whenever she was feeling low. She mumbled back and joined me and even tried to sing a few words. My brother told me she was all excited, smiling and back to tapping her feet and the oxygen mask and the tubes out of her body is not about to stop her!!!

I believe in miracles and we all just experienced one- gives me hope to carry on one more day JJJ